Our story of parenting began right before our one year anniversary, in May of 2005, when we found out that we were expecting our first child. At 12 weeks, I miscarried our baby and went on to painfully experience two other consecutive miscarriages. For the first two years after that first miscarriage I experienced great heartbreak, grief and anger towards God. It was on what would have been Jr.’s second birthday that I finally felt a breakthrough and began to journal about how I felt on each year after.
This year we would have celebrated Jr’s 8th birthday.
As I sat down to write, I reflected on where I was at last year and what I wrote then. It then took me a few minutes to have dry eyes again and compose myself enough to write this.
I think it was the last part that really got me…the part about having a God who never gave up on us. I mean really…even when we were in the depths of it and I bawled my eyes out during my third pregnancy and yelled at my husband for trying to lay his hands on my stomach in prayer to believe God for a miracle when just hours earlier the doctor told us that there was no heartbeat.
“IF GOD WANTED TO DO A MIRACLE THIS BABY WOULD STILL HAVE A HEARTBEAT!”, I exclaimed. I can guarantee you that there wasn’t an ounce of belief in my heart that God was with us.
I know that so many times we think that God isn’t there. In the hard times especially. It is so challenging to have faith and hope when you are going through the fire. But sometimes faith, (yes, even perhaps only the size of a mustard seed) rises up in your soul eventually because well, really…what else do you have to lose?
I don’t have the answers to life’s big questions, like: How can we have world peace? (Anyone???) Why is the sky blue? Why is it so darn cold in Minnesota?!?
What I did conclude though, after the anger in my heart started to lift, was that Satan is real and seeks to destroy our lives in any way possible. At that moment I felt like I couldn’t win but I sure as heck wasn’t going to lose either!
You see I am no Bible scholar. I’ve never written a thesis, or traveled to Jerusalem.
What I have done is given up hope completely and then decided that I had more to lose by giving up on God than by believing that He was actually real. Then there was that whole out of this world redeeming story of what He did in our lives that not only gives me goosebumps but also leaves no doubt in my mind that God exists.
This story isn’t just for our family’s life though.
You see, over the past few years it has overwhelmed me to think of the stories of women…friends that I have known personally and have had the humbling privilege to pray with that God would give them the deepest desires of their hearts. And then the baby announcement comes in the mail after a birth or adoption and it makes me want to fall on my knees and thank God that HE IS REAL and that HE IS GOOD!
I guess that is what becoming pregnant with Jr. did for my life. Jr. will always be the child that made me a mother and more than that…made me believe.